Three

this is getting stupid.. i dont want to be ill! I want to be normal, like everyone else :c( and it sounds so simple, and its so goddamned hard.
I've gone from being almost healthy again to being really bad at least once a week, and it doesnt sound that often but this si the second time in three days, and im scared. i dont get suicidal, but I get passive suicidal, which basically means if I was crossing a road, and bus came round the corner at speed and was going to hit me, I wouldnt necessarily get out of its way.
I want to be drunk, so that I cant feel how much everything hurts, so that I cant feel anything.. and i cant drink. and even if i could, I want to drink to oblivion, and I'd do it, and then I'd be hungover in the morning!!! and I've neverbeen drunk so I dnt even know whether it would help, and if i got drunk then maybe that little bit of me thats still in here wouldnt be there to say "woah.... hang on missy" if I want to walk into the sea and not come back out, or jump off a bridge,or something.. and how can I do that? Im enough of a pain in the ass tomy parents and y friends as it is, and they're amazing, and they deal with me and they seem to still love me, and they never give up on me, so how cud I make them go through finding me, and identifying me, and all that crap? thats nto fair. so Im here,and Im staying., I just cant cope, and Ihave no choice, and Im scared.

TWO!

Today I made chocolate brownie cake.. only it went a tad smoky, and appeared to be about to set teh fire alarm off, and as Im kinda fed up of fire alarms, I pulled it out of the oven, peeled the foil off that I used to line the tin(butter?? whats that?!), and whisked up the cooked with the raw, chucked it in the microwave til it cooked thru, then splattered it onto a plate. somehow everyone took one forkful and said "urh,, yum :c) I just had lunch you know..." I think its nice.. its all chewy n stuff. somehow I think the addition of apricots didnt add to the opinions ofothers though.
thursday I have to go see the doctor to getmy prescriptions and stuff. I dont want to change doctor!!! I was nice n close to my old one, and he understood, (or atleast he laughed at me and sed yes holly, shush now, and carried on..) what if the new one yells at me, or refuses to let me have my meds!!! (Im not addicted.., Im just having a dodgy week and I dont feel like trying to come off them right now!!!)
I think my kitchen/hall mates have set up a rota to knock on my door and check that I havent killed myself yet.. they're determined to drag me out.. I dont want to come out!!! I am a recluse.. they will learn :c)
right, Im done. I need more apricots. byebye
xxxxx

ONE

Never eat walnut and date flapjack.. It sounds good.. its not.
I went into the city to see my friend this afternoon, and it suddenly occured to me as to what would happen if I started crying on a bus.. would people notice? would they edge away? would they comfort me? presume I was on drugs? split up with my boyfriend?
It made me nervous.. I know its not really exactly me crying, but they wouldnt, and for some reason that matters. I have a disease, Its not my fault, its not a choice thing, and I cant snap out of it, and I'd like people to understand that, but then at the same time I know full well that I cant cope with depression in others.. take my mum as a prime example. I want to hit her when she's down, just for being a pain in the ass and sighing all the time, and Im pretty sure Im worse when Im sick.. so how the hell do my friends cope? and how would strangers react?
In my year at 6th form I was never aware of people laughing at me, or taking the piss, or bitching about me, although they did laugh at me when I started laughin at the same time as crying, but thats allowed somehow.
The year below joined us in the sixth form when I moved up, and I walked into the common room once as the only upper 6th person, and someone said "shes the girl who crys all the time", and they laughed.. that hurt. ok, so its not exactly normal for a 17 yr old to cry every five minutes, oir every few days, or however often I am doing at whichever time, but surely if someone is crying, there is something wrong, and laughing at them isnt exactly an option?? for all they knew I had lost a parent, a twin who didnt go to the sixth form, anything could have happened. and they knew well enough to laugh at me.
I dont expect people to deal with me, just to accept that I am a pain in the ass, I'm aware of the fact, and theres nothing I can do about it!!! if they can't deal with me when Im sick then thats fine, they can stay away, I cant force them to deal with me.. but if they can deal thats fine, and if they choose to laugh at me, thats their problem. but it hurts.
Maybe what Im trying to say is that maybe people shouldnt judge as easily. If someone is upset, respect that.. even if you dont know the reason, and it seems out of proportion to you. If they are panicing, take the time out to comfort them, even if u just ask them about their day so they have a chance to ground themselves a little... NEVER laugh at someone, just because they are different to you and your friends. Respect them because they are brave enough to be themselves, or maybe they have no choice, but that doesnt necessarily make it any easier. just dont laugh.