Three

this is getting stupid.. i dont want to be ill! I want to be normal, like everyone else :c( and it sounds so simple, and its so goddamned hard.
I've gone from being almost healthy again to being really bad at least once a week, and it doesnt sound that often but this si the second time in three days, and im scared. i dont get suicidal, but I get passive suicidal, which basically means if I was crossing a road, and bus came round the corner at speed and was going to hit me, I wouldnt necessarily get out of its way.
I want to be drunk, so that I cant feel how much everything hurts, so that I cant feel anything.. and i cant drink. and even if i could, I want to drink to oblivion, and I'd do it, and then I'd be hungover in the morning!!! and I've neverbeen drunk so I dnt even know whether it would help, and if i got drunk then maybe that little bit of me thats still in here wouldnt be there to say "woah.... hang on missy" if I want to walk into the sea and not come back out, or jump off a bridge,or something.. and how can I do that? Im enough of a pain in the ass tomy parents and y friends as it is, and they're amazing, and they deal with me and they seem to still love me, and they never give up on me, so how cud I make them go through finding me, and identifying me, and all that crap? thats nto fair. so Im here,and Im staying., I just cant cope, and Ihave no choice, and Im scared.